Lots of things have changed and it feels like I find myself in a completely different life.  A new church, new job, and new friends and now a new home all around the same time.  Even as a person who generally likes change, this has been a lot to adjust to.  There is still some pain and sadness when thinking on past events and I don’t expect that to change this side of heaven. The close of a church has lead to families moving on (to very good things) and relationships being redefined (it’s expected I guess).  I love them so (really, really do) and thus it is hard to let go as things change and people move on.  I find that most of the time I choose not to dwell on the matter.  Maybe I’m choosing to forget?

And yet such happy things God has done.  A deepening and growing relationship wih my husband; a new home that will strengthen our family and allow Jimmy to continue his path towards pastoring and professing (as he likes to say); an awesome (very aweomse!) job among so many great women who have loved me much more than I deserve; stronger relationships with old friends; and a new church home with new friends and the gift of older brothers and sisters in the Lord, and a pastor that has truly demonstrated what it is to be a shepherd.  Bob has been a great friend to Jimmy and I – challenging us, teaching us, and loving us.  His heart for the Lord is definitely contagious and I know God will continue to do great things among Living Hope.  It is a small group which is difficult sometimes, but it is a rewarding place to be as we learn to love one another.  I am thankful for all of this, and so much  more that the good Lord has done.

Now, as all these changes become the norm, we eagerly await the day when God will give us a baby.  I have seen the desire for children grow in Jimmy over the past few months, and in particular the time we have spent with our good friends the Cowarts and their sweet baby girl Frankie.  The moment Frankie starts to cry Jimmy rushes to pick her up and calm her down.  I think Frankie is quite taken with him, as she stares at him contently while he holds her in his arms.  I am so excited to have children with Jimmy – I know he is going to be a loving, gentle, and wise father to whom our children will look up to.  The other day as we were talking about having children he said, “Maybe God will give us a quiver full.”  God is going to do great things through Jimmy’s role as a father.  Praying for a baby – and praying that God will answer my prayer soon.  Until then, I wait and trust in Him for His perfect and sovereign plan.

After writing out two pages of my thoughts on how I felt about Basilica closing, I decided I wanted to say this instead.

Dear Basilica,

Though we face many changes ahead, please know this: I love you. I confess to you all, each one of you, that I have not loved you as I ought. Many times I made a poor Christian sister and friend. Many times I thought more of myself than I should, and less of you all than what was true. I made unfair assumptions.  You are all remarkable people, molded and shaped by our glorious God, and the working of Christ’s perfecting power was most evident in each of you in different ways. It’s true, we were a church full of sinners and with that came sin, and problems, and things that didn’t always work quite right. But we were a church full of blood-bought children of God, eager to grow in godliness even though it was hard at times. You all have shown me what fellowship can truly be. You all have taken care of me in some shape or form and for that I am grateful. I am glad to have you as part of my life and I still press on, hoping for God’s grace and a miracle. I don’t want to live life without you. I want to continue to be a part of God’s kingdom work with you as we trudge through the hard times. God is most wise and He will do what is best. Please forgive me for not laboring in prayer for you as often as I should have. I was, and still am, in desperate need of God’s continuing work in me. But He has been faithful and has only grown my love for you all over the past years, and particularly these past months.

The only way I know how to describe what this feels like is divorce, or death, and part of me is fighting to be angry.  Angry with myself, angry at you, angry at it all.  Why are we leaving each other?  But I know I don’t always deal with things with wisdom and understanding, so I pray that God will give me better eyes to see and understand what is happening. I just want you to know, Basilica, that I deeply care for you. I will continue to pray for you, Lord willing may He remind me to do so!  Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, and we are bound by cords of brotherly love and unified by the Holy Spirit. We are eternally bound to one another as those who live in eternity together with the Eternal One.

I am sorry for the ways I failed you. I will press on to love you more and more each day.

Yours in Christ,

Jessica

Okay, I’m just going to put this out there to see if I have any takers.  In case you aren’t aware, I recently started working at the Community Pregnancy Center as the Volunteer Coordinator.  A huge portion of my job will be training volunteers (specifically counselors).

A big part of what we do here at the center is share the gospel.  So, I am looking to expand my knowledge and understanding of personal evangelism in order to develop a strategy for training others to share the gospel.

If you happen to have a few dollars lying around that you would like to go to good use, here are a couple of books I would love to get my hands on:

• Jesus The Evangelist
• Learning Evangelism From Jesus
• The Heart of Evangelism
• The Gospel and Personal Evangelism
• The Art of Manfishing: A Puritan’s View of Evangelism

Or, if you happen to have one of these books and you’d be willing to let me borrow it please let me know.

This morning was spent driving around to a couple of different animal clinics to inquire about a job.  Two of the three are hiring so I put in an application and my resume.  I have always had a special fondness of animals.  You could even call me Dr. Dolittle if you’d like.  Most likely I would get hired as a receptionist  based on my experience, but there is the possiblity I could become a vet tech – which would be awesome – if I get hired at all.  Working at an animal clinic would not only satisfy my obsession with puppies, it would give me an opoortunity to work with a team of people as well as meet a lot of new people in the Pasadena and Deer Park area.  That is a goal I would really like to accomplish in the near future.

Our friend pastor Bob also suggested a job as a technical writer for one of the plants around town since I have good writing skills.  I had never thought of techinal writing since I have no technical experience, but I do love to write.  Working at a plant would also be a good opportunity to meet new people and grow in my evangelism.  Bob said he would be checking with his plant and a couple of other places so there are some possible opportunities to come.

I have determined that one of my greatest desires right now, apart frome being a mommy (which I pray happens soon), is to go back to school and get my master’s degree.  I think going to Southwestern in the Spring with Jimmy could be a real possibility, depending on our financial situation and whether or not I’m pregnant at that time. 

Since I have begun reading a book called “Visioneering” I have started to develop a clearer idea of a vision I have.  The author says that every vision begins with a burden, seeing something as it is and dreaming of what it could be.  My burden for a long time has been this:  Too many women do not see themselves as theologians.  Too many women think that Bible scholarship and indepth study if something that only the men of the church do.  I think the idea of being a theologian and Bible scholar can be daunting, but I hope to encourage women in this area.  It doesn’t take a degree and many years at seminary to be a theologian.  Everyone is a theologian even if they don’t realize it.  Theology is thinking about God – and that is something we all do.  I hope to encourage women to go to the Scriptures, study deeply and start to think about and organize their thoughts, their theology.  We too can be Bible scholars even if we don’t spend years in the classroom learning systematic theology and church history.  We can come to the Scriptures with our minds and the grace and work of the Holy Spirit; we can come with tools that can be learned easily – tools that help us to dig deeper into the text, that help us better understand the words and sentences and structure and literature of the Scriptures.  And by doing so I believe that our time with the Scriptures will become richer and our knowledge greater.  I think the idea is much more daunting than the actual task.

Theology is not only for those who teach at or attend universities and seminaries.  Theology is not only for the pastor.  I pray, like Paul for the Ephesians, “that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you [and me] a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him…” (Eph 1) “asking that you [and I] may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.” (Col 1)

This is my burden… for myself, and for others.  I never thought that I would want to minister specifically to women.  But my heart for my own gender is growing and this desire to teach is not dwindling.  And, since I still find myself at an impass with verses like 1 Timothy 2:12, I feel like the safest avenue for teaching and preaching is specifically to women until my study, prayer and research bring me to a clearer understanding of women’s roles in the church and world.

And so, I hope to go and earn my master’s degree so that I may be better equipped to teach… and maybe find a teaching job someday.  I hope to sharpen my skills and knowledge of Biblical Greek and Hebrew, hopefully arriving at a place where I can teach others these languages… perhaps those who cannot go to seminary or college for whatever reason.  I have often dreamed that at least general familiarity with Biblical Greek and Hebrew would makes its way into the church.  And, let’s be honest here, I just love school.  I’d be a professional student for the rest of my life if I could!

I continue to pray that God would grow and clarify my vision, as well as prepare me for however He will use me.

Psalm 33:11
The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations.

Proverbs 16:9
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[1] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jimmy and I have been talking a lot about our life and what we hope to do.  We are making some plans, dreaming some dreams, but holding tight to nothing (except the Lord) – or at least trying not to.  My own journey in discovering how God can and will use me for His purposes has yet to come to an end, and I suppose it won’t end until I am at home with Him.  I am trying to look at this (at times difficult and frustrating) journey in a more positive light, learning the secret of contentment in whatever state I am in.  I may still be clueless as to how I can specifically use my gifts and talents for the Church (particularly with regards to a job), but I am not clueless to God’s promises.  His plans will prevail.

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them… (Romans 12:6)

He has gifted me in particular ways for the building up of His church and I am eager to continue to use them and use every opportunity for the Lord.

Some things I am currently trying as I explore ways to use my gifts:

• Encourage and unify in thought and heart the leaders of Basilica as we work together in planning/leading our corporate worship services – I’m currently operating a website and blog that provides daily entries centered on a Biblical theme and Scripture
• Practicing, perfecting, and broadening my musical skills and talents – I am in the process of learning piano, theory, and how to read music as well as writing more new music for Basilica
• Teaching the Word of God and praying that we would be “filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:19) – I am studying and preparing to write a Bible study through the book of Ephesians… how this will play out later on I am still unsure of, but I at least hope for the opportunity to teach some of the women at Basilica (if not more people)
• Daily I am by the grace of God aiming to be a good, faithful, helpful and loving wife to my husband – I know that as Jimmy is soon-to-be ordained as an elder of Basilica, my responsibility to pray and encourage my husband will be even more apparent
• Once again taking up the discipline of studying Biblical Greek and Hebrew – Jimmy and I both will be starting a Greek and Hebrew class with our friend and teacher Bob… this will be a great refresher course for myself and a great opportunity for Jimmy to get a jump start on his seminary requirements

I am thankful for the Lord’s constant grace and mercy on me, one who is so prone to laziness and aimlessness.  I know that His plans are good and that He is faithful to walk every step with us.  I look forward to all that He will do in the days ahead.

“If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:15)

Why study the Bible? God commands us to know and love His word. We see it over and over again throughout all of Scripture that knowing the word of God is not only important in the life of a believer (to instruct us in the ways of the Lord, to see how God has revealed Himself to us, etc.), it produces great joy in our souls.  There is even an entire psalm dedicated to the word of God (Psalm 119) and it is the longest Psalm in the Bible.  Oh, that our hearts would cry out as the psalmist did:

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Psalm 119:114 You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

Psalm 119:130 The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.

Psalm 119:169 Let my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word!

As we study the Bible together, we not only grow in our knowledge of God, our love of God, and our intimacy with Him, we grow in our love for one another. We are drawn into deeper fellowship as we study Scripture together and encourage one another with these words. And it is not only important for us to come together as the body and study the word of God, it is imperative that we make the word of God an essential part of our day.

God uses His word to encourage us, to remind us of who He is and to remind us of all His promises that He will do.  It is the unfolding story of God redeeming His people. We need His word and we are blessed to have it in many reliable translations, in our own language that we can understand. We are blessed to have the very word of God at our fingertips and we must not neglect it. We must not be Christians who do not read their Bibles. We must be Christians who know their Bibles, who love the word of God, whose lives are transformed by it, and we must be Christians who can use the Scriptures to proclaim the good news to others in whatever situation we find ourselves.

The word of God is what feeds us. For too long I believe we have been walking around as anemic Christians, starving for the word but too lazy and preoccupied to feast upon it. We manage to fill up our days with many other things, sometimes to the point of complete busyness. But at the end of the day, even after all the things we have gotten done, we are left hungry. Hungry for a glimpse of the glory of God.  We are hungering for communion with Him.  Have you felt these same hunger pains?

And I know it’s a struggle. It seems to me this is one of the toughest battles against the flesh. Many nights while in bed about to fall asleep I resolve to no longer give into my flesh, my laziness, my busyness, or my apathy. It’s in those hours when the day is done and my mind quiets down that if I have not spent time with the Lord by reading His word, by praying… it is in those moments that I realize how much I miss God. I want to read His Word and I want to commune with Him in prayer. The next morning however, I manage to rationalize my choice to hit the snooze button. It is a battle we are fighting. The enemy wants us to neglect our souls. He is happy when we resign to be weak and powerless. He coaxes us into a place where we do nothing; we become useless. We are fed lies that lead us to believe that the Word of God isn’t living and active, it cannot change me or you, it is a simple a book filled with lifeless words.

How often do we give into this lie? The truth is that on our own we are indeed weak and powerless. But the truth is that in Christ – which we are indeed in Christ when we trust in Him – we have the power of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is more than able to overcome whatever it is that hinders you from meeting with the Lord. There will always be times that we fail, until that glorious day when Christ returns and we are glorified. But for now I think half the battle is reminding us of this: we are empowered by the Holy Spirit.  We must not forget Him!  We must not forget Christ’s promise to us:

John 14:26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

We must cry out to God asking Him to help us in this. Lord it is You who writes the words of Scripture on our hearts. It is You who draws us to Yourself. It is You who stirs the soul, so Lord, stir my soul! Make Your word delightful to my eyes and ears. Make me pant like the deer and thirst after You.

This brings us to Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. Why study the book of Ephesians? As I began to think about the needs of our church, and in particular us ladies, I was confronted with my current state of mind, and state of heart. Many days it seems like I am waging a costly war against despair and depression without even fully knowing why I feel hopeless at times. I began to ask myself, “Am I living the life that Christ has so freely given me? Am I walking in the newness of life? Am I thinking, speaking, and doing all things in a manner worthy of my calling?” I saw the need in our church, and in myself most evidently, to live a transformed life FULLY. Not half-heartedly. Not as one defeated. Not barely getting by. Fully. The gospel is more than just good news – it is the power of God for salvation– salvation from darkness, death and the sinful decaying self into light, life and the redeemed and set apart new self.  We are saved and set apart as the people of God!  We must lived transformed lives! We must live lives worthy of the calling we have received from Christ.

Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church not only exhorts us to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which [we] have been called”, he proclaims the glorious gospel of Christ which tells us how and why and by what power we can do so. It is a book rich in doctrine, exhortation, and practical truths and applications to live by each day. Paul first gives us the Gospel, explaining all the ways we have been empowered to live as God’s people – then charges us to do so. Live as God’s people!

This is why I believe we should study the book of Ephesians:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith – that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:14-19

I have been finding it difficult to make decisions in my hunt for a new job after the summer.  I think I have found myself in a tough spot… having a bachelors degree but little work experience outside of childcare or administrative assistance.  Most jobs I find that are available require years of experience, most in that particular field.  Since I am, in some ways, making a career change, this is a bit disheartening.

I have never had a difficult time finding a job before.  When I started working in high school, then on into my college years, all of my jobs just came to me.  Simple as that.  Most of my jobs I got through a friend… the only exception  being my very first job at Family Christian Bookstore.  Since then, I have either known my employer or someone that worked for them so getting the job was fairly easy, by the grace of God.

I have actually had quite a bit of job experience since I have been working since I was 16 and I have worked several different jobs.  All of these jobs have been really good for me for whatever place I was in life.  Now that I have been graduated for more than 2 years now, I’m just lost.  Lost.  I have no idea what I should be doing when it comes to work.  I know I would like to use what I learned in college- I don’t want that to go to waste.  But what am I supposed to do beyond childcare?  The truth is I probably need a couple years more of studying, particularly if I am ever to use my knowledge of Biblical Greek and Hebrew.

My desire right now is to just have more of a vision and understanding of what I’m looking for, what I’m capable of, and what God would have me do with the knowledge and skills He has given me.  I am most interested in working with a non-profit organiation or ministry.  That’s where I think my heart is and though I don’t have a lot of job experience that it seems most places are looking for, I feel like my degree has taught me more about God and has lead me to a desire to care for people and teach them and help them.  I don’t have a degree in social work or political science, but I care about people and community development and things like that.  I like creative thinking, writing, coming up with new ideas and making plans.  I like projects and I like goals.

Really, if I’m honest, I’m just clueless and probably one of many post-collegiate wanderers.  Lord, please point me in the right direction.

I have usually written this passage off as cultural and for a big chunk of my life I have had short hair.  Now I’m wondering if there isn’t more to this passage than just a cultural standard.

1 Corinthians 11:2-16:

2 Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. 3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, 5 but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. 6 For if a wife will not cover her head, then she should cut her hair short. But since it is disgraceful for a wife to cut off her hair or shave her head, let her cover her head. 7 For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; 12 for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God. 13 Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a wife to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14 Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him, 15 but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 16 If anyone is inclined to be contentious, we have no such practice, nor do the churches of God.”

If my hair was given to me as a covering, if it is in some way my glory, should I be cutting it off?  And what qualifies as long and what qualifies as short?

A discussion of hair may seem trivial, but I want to understand and honor the whole word of God… so what do verses 14-15 mean?

I never got around to posting my thoughts on The Shack, partly because I just found the story to be silly and uninteresting and have yet to finish it.  There are several things I would like to bring up at a later time (once I actually get around to finishing the book), but here is a video of pastor Mark Driscoll addressing some key errors in The Shack’s portrayal of the Trinity.  I have gotten far enough along in the book, recognizing the references and quotes Driscoll makes, that I can say I agree with his assessment of the author’s portrayal of the Trinity, and it is a wise assessment at that.  Driscoll knows his Bible.

…If we know not from where we came.

Lately I have been meditating on who I was apart from Christ – and what this means for me now. When God reveals the depth of my own depravity; when I see how sinful I am; when I feel the weight of my offenses against a perfect and holy God – it means I am loved. I am truly, perfectly, deeply, relentlessly, overwhelmingly loved. LOVED!

Look how far God went to reconcile me to Himself. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)! While we were enemies of God (5:10), Christ became all that He hated – every single sin we willingly dared to sin – so that we might be with Him (2 Cor. 5:21).

Look how far God went to save His people! See how much He loves us!! There is truly no greater love. No lover has ever gone farther to be with the one he loved.

I exhort you, my dear readers, do not stray away from knowing the truth about who we are apart from the grace and goodness of God. Pray that in His grace God would reveal your sin to you, that you would feel the weight of it – because I believe that in His grace when you see yourself as the worst of sinners instead of “better than most people” you will begin to see the depths and feel the weight of Christ’s love for you.  Repent and turn away from your sin and do not embrace it or settle with it or walk in it.  But seeing it, cry out to Jesus for He has taken every step to save you.

“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.”  1 Timothy 1:15-17